Rant

I am borrowing this from my dear friend Matt. He expresses himself in ways we all dream we could. He goes on rants every so often and it's fantastic! I have been feeling the exact same way for the past few weeks. Especially since our accident. Here is his latest:

"As normal on Monday I shall rant, this week it's driving because at least 3-4 times when I drive some idiot decides to almost kill me. It's not so much that I hate driving it's just that I cannot control what the crackheads that drive around are like. And therefore I must regale everyone with why these people are idiots and how to fix the system. Therefore I must put out some rules.


1. Speed limits are bunk. Everyone does this so they should not be surprised that I regularly and frequently break the speed limit. Everyone knows that the speed limit is not actually the speed limit, but 5 mph over the speed limit is the actual speed limit. I think some sort of autobahn limit should be enforced, aka no speed limit. But this requires people to not be idiotic will not happen. So therefore this probably won't be something that comes to fruition.


2. Put away the freaking phone while you are driving. Maybe this is just the insurance side of me talk, or maybe it's the side of me that doesn't want to die, but what the F could be so important that while driving 70 down the highway you need to peer into your phone and type out lol, rofl, or all that other stupid crap. Heck I don't ever answer my phone while driving. Granted, I never answer my phone anyway but I still don't see what could wait 5 or 10 minutes later. This is one of the reasons why I ride with my roommate while he drives. Smoking, texting and driving with your knees should be dealt with 10 years hard labor repairing roads.


3. If you put your seat back so far you look like you are laying down while driving you deserved to be strung up upside down and have pickles thrown at you for at least 10 hours. That should be the punishment for all douschebags anyway. And if you are doing this, you are a douschebag. I bet you gel your hair and put your cap on a strange way too.


4. Stop putting so much crap up on your rearview mirror. I have put one thing on my rearview mirror once, that was a stupid ID card when I was student teaching. I have since stopped putting anything on my mirror. You do not need lays, caps, beads or any of that crap on your rearview mirror. You limit your vision and you look like an idiot. So stop. Why do you need that stuff there anyways? Is Mardi Gras gonna suddenly break out someplace?


5. Use your friggin signal lights. I'm sorry, I'm not a mind reader. Apparently I'm one of the few people left on the Earth that has no clue that you intend to merge or turn. Guess I should be better at reading body language through a 2 ton piece of metal. That's my bad. I'll get working on that right away.


6. Why the heck are people in such a hurry? If you woke up 20 minutes late for work, you're SOL. Deal with it. Just because you go 90 in a 35 doesn't mean that you will get there any faster. It just means you're more likely to die. I guess that solves two problems though, you won't be late for work again and I won't have to dodge your stupid butt.


7. Bicycles, you're a menace and you know it. Well generally you are. I know I know they should have their own area and I would respect a bike lane. But when people are biking up a hill and creating a traffic jam 6 blocks long, just get onto a sidewalk. I'm sure pedestrians can dodge you if you are going 5mph. Also, if you are on the street, respect the freaking laws of the street. I don't know how many times I have seen bikes run red lights. You don't get a free pass because you aren't in a metal shell. In fact you should be worried more about getting hit by me in my metal shell, sure I may get some blood on me but at least I won't be a vegetable if we run into one another.


8. Road rage is a funny thing. I swear a lot when I am driving. A lot. Mainly because people are idiots and swearing calms me down. However I will never pull someone out their car and beat them without mercy. That's taking it a little too far. Maybe a strongly worded letter would do. Do what the British do and have drive by arguments.This being said I do wish very weird things on people when I'm angry. Like instead of wishing they would crash (yes, we all do it, I'm not some sort of monster) I wish that they would have a bunch of late fees or maybe one of their toes gets diseased. Maybe if it's a lady they have a yeast infection. You know, little things. Maybe they get a weird monkey disease somehow.


9. Driving drunk is retarded. 'nough said.

That's the list for now. So until I build up enough to say for next time, don't be an idiot on the road"  - Matt Harless