Melancholy

You know the good ole saying “When it rains, it pours”. I am currently learning the meaning of that. This past week has been an emotional rollercoaster.

We have decided to not put the house on the market. We do not have the time or energy to commit to selling it. We are never home and if we are it’s only usually one of us. It’s almost nearly impossible to keep it 100% clean due to the fact we have an almost 4 year old and a 4 month old that get into everything the second you clean it up. Now, my house is not a diasaster but I know if I were to be a buyer, I would be OCD on the clutter side. I guess we will enjoy our updates until next Spring!

Childcare. You want to talk about being stressed out? First off is even finding an in-home daycare that isn’t on the East or South side. I do not want to go way out of my way to take the kids somewhere. Now, if it was someone I really knew and trusted, completely different story. We have gone to 4-5 places and some, wow. Words cannot express the drop my heart took. I also get that “mothers intuition” that something is not right. Michael doesn’t get it at all. He keeps telling me I am paranoid, but if I took Beth in some of these homes, believe you me she would have a few things to say. Something will have potential and it will fall apart on their end. I feel like this is a lost cause and nothing is going to show up. We have been praying about and hope we can figure this out. Michael had to say home 2 days this week and he spent most of those days calling around. They quotes he was getting were OUTRAGEOUS! $450-$500 a week, for both. To me, that is just crazy. I might as well quit my job for that. Yet, we want to give our kids a great future so off to work I go! I am hoping this will resolve as soon as possible. I don’t think I can take much more of it.

The big whammy award of the week goes to my family. My mom needed Tuesday off to take my G’pa to the doctor because one of my aunts was taking G’ma to her doctor. My G’ma had cancer last year and she had her final chemo drip and had a check up. While my mom was waiting with gramps, she got a call. So it turns out G’ma has cancer in her chest and lungs. There is nothing they can do either. They don’t think she is strong enough to handle the treatment and she also doesn’t want extra measures. I totally understand that though. Who wants to spend their last months throwing up and not being your self? It’s not the legacy you want to leave people with. I lost my grandparents on my dad’s side a few years back and that was hard. Especially my Grandpa Holman, that was an arrow to the heart. I still can’t eat butterscotch to this day without tearing up. This time, it’s a little different for me. My mom’s side of the family is extremely close. Every holiday, that I can remember growing up, involved my mom’s whole family. My cousins are friends; even my aunts are like friends to me. We are always there for one another when we have hard times and are going through something. I just can’t picture our family without her there. Every time I do, a new set of emotions sets in. I have so many memories that are wrapped around my grandma, that it’s just heart breaking. I honestly have to say that giving someone a time limit is just bull. I hate that doctors do that. It’s like D-Day. No one wants to live life in fear of that specific time area. I also don’t like to talk about it because then it’s so real. Yet, if I don’t talk about, when I finally do, I break down. To sit here and even think about her not being there, it just breaks my heart. She seems to be that person that holds the glue together for everyone. Then the other side of it, my grandpa. That is a story in itself. It will be interesting to see how the next few months unfold. I am just not prepared for any of it and do not want to have to face it.