This weekend, all I have wanted to do was hide. My body is craving alone time but as a Mom, you don't get that. I take solace in knowing at 8:30, I get that time. Something that happened has changed me. It really has. Again, I tend to hold things in until I can release. Friday, well, that didn't work. I had to go interview a daycare provider with red eyes, puffy bags, and red blotches all over my face. I still feel like the wind is knocked out of me.
Gabby. Just typing those 5 letters sent me into tears. My heart automatically starts to ache and I get this knot in my throat I cannot swallow. My stomach gets tight and tears pour out of my eyes, even if I don't blink. I find it just hard to have to say goodbye after 12 years or devotion, love, companionship, and just fond memories. I can't quite put into words how I am feeling. I would say it hasn't hit me yet, but it has. When I went to pick up the kids after work on Friday, everything had changed. Then the tears. Ugh, seriously the tears. They wouldn't stop. I was a blotchy, red, hot mess and we had to go over to take a look at a daycare. Jake, bless his little heart. He understood, but wouldn't stop talking about it. He wouldn't stop asking why I didn't want to see Gabby in the box on the patio. Why I didn't want to say goodbye to her one last time. I keep finding myself even taking breaks from writing this. So I will end with this:
Dear Gabby,
For as long as I can remember, I wanted a dog. I beg and pleaded with Mom and Dad to get a puppy. We seemed to be cat people. Don't get me wrong, I loved Cassie and Tasha, but I still wanted a dog. There is just something special about a dog that I cannot express into words. Finally, the stars aligned, fate stepped in, and thus you were brought to us. We had traveled to MO for Christmas with the family. My parents had gone to visit my Grandpa in the nursery home, while us kids stayed back. When the adults had returned, Mom and Dad said they had a late Christmas gift for me. They went to tell me that someone had left you in a box outside a Wal-Mart. There were a few puppies in the box but they selected you out of the lot. There you were, all small and golden. Your little paws, stumbling around. I loved you instantly. Your name fit you so well because you never shut up. You could talk all day long. Your first night home taught me why teenagers do not have children. I think you cried most of the night until I finally just let you sleep with me. The first week with you was a challenging one. Making sure you were going to the bathroom outside was probably the biggest challenge. I will never forget the day I was talking on AIM (when it was oh so cool to do so), and you took a poop on Moms large 3 ft Santa. I think most of it went on the stand but still. I rushed cleaned it up and flushed the evidence. The smell, oh the smell. Nothing could hid that. When Mom asked me what had happened, I said you just farted and that I had taken you out. We had one another's back from then on. After a few weeks we found out you had a rare condition and we decided that we were hooked and so in love that we couldn't allow you to slip away. You were fixed and handed back to us brand new. I will never forget you running around in the snow with a child size sweatshirt on. I believe it was gray. You were a constant, bouncing ball of energy. You would bark at everything and anything. I would purposely make certain noises, such as knocking on the wall to make you think someone was at the door, just to see you go into one of your crazy spells. Your toys, oh your toys. I still think your figure 8 was your favorite one over the years. I think we bought that thing a record number of times. Tug of war had to be your favorite game. I know I probably tormented you enough with my fake throws. You loved it though. I remember getting down on the floor with you and watching you go insane as I hit the floor with my hands. You would almost mimic my motions. Your crazy run after you were given baths. I think every dog does that though. At least Hawkeye and Zoey do. Even though you hate baths, you always seemed to enjoy them. How about the times we would vacuum you? You loved to be vacuumed! It also saved on on your shedding hair clean up. Car rides. You loved those. You would whine unending until the window was down. I recall a few times we had to take longer trips then just to the bank or the store and Dad would blast the music so loud to drown you out. Eventually you stopped, when we got to our destination. There were always snot stains on the windows that we had to clean off. You were a regular at the bank and always were excited to get a treat. Dad would just have to say "bank" or "car" and that would set you into an excitement that was beyond anything. You were a smart pup. You knew so many words and commands. I loved when you played "dead" but your tail was always wagging. It was always beating against the floor. It instantly made us all laugh. Your hunting abilities always came through. Any rabbit or squirrel had nothing on you. You always knew their hiding spots. You would automatically start pointing when you found one and if you weren't contained, you would take off after them. You didn't agree with strangers. We knew everyday when the mail man came. If we received a delivery of any sorts, you went out of sorts. You loved to jump on everyone when you were younger. "Gabby down" was a command I am sure you heard way more often then you wanted. You ate almost everything. You were never a pickle or tomato fan. You loved licorice. I remember getting licorice nips and you would start drooling. We could throw food at any angle and you could catch it. No matter what we were eating, you were right there. Expecting something. We always gave in. Those eyes, they were piercing. I wouldn't even have to look at you, I knew you were starring. How about the time I made a ton of chocolate chip cookies for Dad, left them cooling on racks on the back of the counter, came out and saw Dad had put them away? You were going to let him get away with being nice....nope, you ate them. All of them. Mom stayed home with you the next day to take care of you while you literally "tossed your cookies". Till your last day, you still would have eaten those cookies. I swear your favorite thing was outside. You loved to sit on the porch and watch the day pass. If we would have let you, there are many days you would have stayed outside from sun up to sun down. I loved coming home and seeing you on the porch waiting for us to all come back home. Jake misses you. He talked about you all weekend. Even this morning he said "I can't wait to see Gabby", and then proceeded to say "Can I still love Gabby even though she is not there?" Jax is going to miss you too. He was always so excited to see you. I think the dogs in life have cause him to walk at 9 months. The boys both enjoyed you in the time they got to spend with you. They both love you and miss you. Jake has talked about you everyday since you have left us. It's still hard to drive away from Mom and Dad's house and not see you in the door way peaking out and trying to escape. Or to come over and not have you bark and run over to me. To not see you laying on the front porch, waiting for Dad to come home. You were never a dog that licked. You showed your love in your tail wagging, nose in the face, and dancing the way you did when we would arrive home. You were there through so much. Personally, you were there for broken hearts, deaths, life changing decisions, protection. I never had to fear when you were there. The loads of walks we took together, I can't thank you enough for that. You were always there for me. You were always there for my parents. You will always be with us in our hearts. It comforting to know you are still around, outside, where you always loved to be. Even though walking by there hurts so much right now, in time it won't feel like my heart is breaking. It's good to know you are still watching over us.
**This is also my 300th post....makes it even more special
Gabby. Just typing those 5 letters sent me into tears. My heart automatically starts to ache and I get this knot in my throat I cannot swallow. My stomach gets tight and tears pour out of my eyes, even if I don't blink. I find it just hard to have to say goodbye after 12 years or devotion, love, companionship, and just fond memories. I can't quite put into words how I am feeling. I would say it hasn't hit me yet, but it has. When I went to pick up the kids after work on Friday, everything had changed. Then the tears. Ugh, seriously the tears. They wouldn't stop. I was a blotchy, red, hot mess and we had to go over to take a look at a daycare. Jake, bless his little heart. He understood, but wouldn't stop talking about it. He wouldn't stop asking why I didn't want to see Gabby in the box on the patio. Why I didn't want to say goodbye to her one last time. I keep finding myself even taking breaks from writing this. So I will end with this:
Dear Gabby,
For as long as I can remember, I wanted a dog. I beg and pleaded with Mom and Dad to get a puppy. We seemed to be cat people. Don't get me wrong, I loved Cassie and Tasha, but I still wanted a dog. There is just something special about a dog that I cannot express into words. Finally, the stars aligned, fate stepped in, and thus you were brought to us. We had traveled to MO for Christmas with the family. My parents had gone to visit my Grandpa in the nursery home, while us kids stayed back. When the adults had returned, Mom and Dad said they had a late Christmas gift for me. They went to tell me that someone had left you in a box outside a Wal-Mart. There were a few puppies in the box but they selected you out of the lot. There you were, all small and golden. Your little paws, stumbling around. I loved you instantly. Your name fit you so well because you never shut up. You could talk all day long. Your first night home taught me why teenagers do not have children. I think you cried most of the night until I finally just let you sleep with me. The first week with you was a challenging one. Making sure you were going to the bathroom outside was probably the biggest challenge. I will never forget the day I was talking on AIM (when it was oh so cool to do so), and you took a poop on Moms large 3 ft Santa. I think most of it went on the stand but still. I rushed cleaned it up and flushed the evidence. The smell, oh the smell. Nothing could hid that. When Mom asked me what had happened, I said you just farted and that I had taken you out. We had one another's back from then on. After a few weeks we found out you had a rare condition and we decided that we were hooked and so in love that we couldn't allow you to slip away. You were fixed and handed back to us brand new. I will never forget you running around in the snow with a child size sweatshirt on. I believe it was gray. You were a constant, bouncing ball of energy. You would bark at everything and anything. I would purposely make certain noises, such as knocking on the wall to make you think someone was at the door, just to see you go into one of your crazy spells. Your toys, oh your toys. I still think your figure 8 was your favorite one over the years. I think we bought that thing a record number of times. Tug of war had to be your favorite game. I know I probably tormented you enough with my fake throws. You loved it though. I remember getting down on the floor with you and watching you go insane as I hit the floor with my hands. You would almost mimic my motions. Your crazy run after you were given baths. I think every dog does that though. At least Hawkeye and Zoey do. Even though you hate baths, you always seemed to enjoy them. How about the times we would vacuum you? You loved to be vacuumed! It also saved on on your shedding hair clean up. Car rides. You loved those. You would whine unending until the window was down. I recall a few times we had to take longer trips then just to the bank or the store and Dad would blast the music so loud to drown you out. Eventually you stopped, when we got to our destination. There were always snot stains on the windows that we had to clean off. You were a regular at the bank and always were excited to get a treat. Dad would just have to say "bank" or "car" and that would set you into an excitement that was beyond anything. You were a smart pup. You knew so many words and commands. I loved when you played "dead" but your tail was always wagging. It was always beating against the floor. It instantly made us all laugh. Your hunting abilities always came through. Any rabbit or squirrel had nothing on you. You always knew their hiding spots. You would automatically start pointing when you found one and if you weren't contained, you would take off after them. You didn't agree with strangers. We knew everyday when the mail man came. If we received a delivery of any sorts, you went out of sorts. You loved to jump on everyone when you were younger. "Gabby down" was a command I am sure you heard way more often then you wanted. You ate almost everything. You were never a pickle or tomato fan. You loved licorice. I remember getting licorice nips and you would start drooling. We could throw food at any angle and you could catch it. No matter what we were eating, you were right there. Expecting something. We always gave in. Those eyes, they were piercing. I wouldn't even have to look at you, I knew you were starring. How about the time I made a ton of chocolate chip cookies for Dad, left them cooling on racks on the back of the counter, came out and saw Dad had put them away? You were going to let him get away with being nice....nope, you ate them. All of them. Mom stayed home with you the next day to take care of you while you literally "tossed your cookies". Till your last day, you still would have eaten those cookies. I swear your favorite thing was outside. You loved to sit on the porch and watch the day pass. If we would have let you, there are many days you would have stayed outside from sun up to sun down. I loved coming home and seeing you on the porch waiting for us to all come back home. Jake misses you. He talked about you all weekend. Even this morning he said "I can't wait to see Gabby", and then proceeded to say "Can I still love Gabby even though she is not there?" Jax is going to miss you too. He was always so excited to see you. I think the dogs in life have cause him to walk at 9 months. The boys both enjoyed you in the time they got to spend with you. They both love you and miss you. Jake has talked about you everyday since you have left us. It's still hard to drive away from Mom and Dad's house and not see you in the door way peaking out and trying to escape. Or to come over and not have you bark and run over to me. To not see you laying on the front porch, waiting for Dad to come home. You were never a dog that licked. You showed your love in your tail wagging, nose in the face, and dancing the way you did when we would arrive home. You were there through so much. Personally, you were there for broken hearts, deaths, life changing decisions, protection. I never had to fear when you were there. The loads of walks we took together, I can't thank you enough for that. You were always there for me. You were always there for my parents. You will always be with us in our hearts. It comforting to know you are still around, outside, where you always loved to be. Even though walking by there hurts so much right now, in time it won't feel like my heart is breaking. It's good to know you are still watching over us.
Always looking on and watching over us...
**This is also my 300th post....makes it even more special
